I've just gotten off a two week break from school. This break was much needed, as school is starting to piss me off incredibly. While those of you who read this may not be concerned, I'm going to tell you why, mainly so I can vent. Please be aware that this is the first time I have been completely, brutally honest in a blog. I'm not kidding, I'm not joking around.
First of all, anyone who really gets to know me, and anyone who puts up with my rants on a regular basis knows that the two things I hate more than anything else in the world are authority and routine. To me, they represent everything that is wrong with modern society and conflict greatly with my personal philosophy. To elaborate slightly, I believe that we're only here once in the world, and we shouldn't have to spend three quarters of our life working and being submissive. Unfortunately for me, the focal points of school are...you guessed it, authority and routine. While it may seem stereotypically teenage of me to say that I don't enjoy school, well, I just don't. At least not on every level. Of course, I do realize that school plays a fundamental part in building a child's social skills and cultural depth (which is probably why those home-school kids are so wacked out). Nevertheless, a lot about school really irks me, and I feel horribly pigeon-holed by it. I have a strict routine based on a two-week schedule, where hours vary (little, mind you) depending on which week we are on. The average day for me is structured as such:
7AM-7:37AM
I wake up, I eat breakfast and drink a pint of tea (yes, a pint). I have a quick wash and brush my teeth, I watch the news and leave my house.
7:37AM-7:47AM
I walk to school. I listen to music. This is a must-do, as I tend to be incredibly testy if I don't get my ten minutes of pulsating sound.
7:47AM-12PM (11AM depending on the day)
I take my lessons.
12PM-2/3/4PM
I stay in my room and listen to music, I eat lunch.
2/3/4PM-4/5/6PM
My afternoon lessons.
6PM/11PM
I eat, stay in my room and listen to music.
My route to and from school very rarely varies, as does my routine. Yes, I admit it, my life is boring. I am a very, very boring person. This particularly annoys me, as I don't really feel that I have accomplished anything in my life. What have I done that will make a difference? I don't go out of my way to help people or to change their lives for the better.
Another thing that annoys me... and I mean really annoys me is my History teacher. She has to be the most pretentious cow I've ever had the misfortune of meeting. My anger mainly stems from her teaching methods and pedagogy. She considers herself to be an all-knowing wise-woman. This is perhaps because she has written a book on the history of my school. She claims to know it all and frequently bates us with snide little comments and remarks that we do not work enough and we will all fail our final exams. Way to go with the encouragement. While I do enjoy history/geography lessons, she puts a damper on it. And it makes me very, very angry.
I tend to view the world through extremely cynical eyes these days. It's been god-knows how long since I have had a significant other. This is partly due to a self-imposed celibacy I have exerced upon myself, though this is mostly to combat my extreme shyness and awkwardness around the fairer sex. I would say that these past two years have been the only years I have had female friends, and it has taken some time to feel at ease with them. My self-imposed celibacy is also brought on by embarrassment towards myself and my living environment. I am not hesitant to admit that my home is somewhat chaotic, and far from the tidiest of places. I therefore feel it would be better to stay out of the game until I have a house of my own and such. This is somewhat hard at times. People have suspected I was gay, which is untrue. Though I can see why they would assume such a thing, as in modern society, the absence of a significant other of the opposite sex (who nowadays seem to be as interchangeable as cheap hood-ornaments) apparently signifies homosexuality. Go figure.
I try to forget these problems by interchanging them with my social life. My social life (now the most active it has ever been) consists of going out to the pub and getting exceptionally drunk. The drunk me is radically different from the sober me; I am more confident, I speak my mind more and I feel better. People may point out that this is a sign of alcoholism, but to be fair; who doesn't like being drunk? Nevertheless, for many of the people I frequent with, except my close friends, I hold a great amount of disdain. This disdain is somewhat critical, as I seem to analyse and poke each little fault in someone's personality or mannerisms and build up a list of reasons they annoy me. Horribly neurotic, isn't it? Oh, just to stop the incessant interrogations, I don't (and probably never will) have anything negative to say about my extremely close friends such as Liam, Toby, Lauriane, Sy, Emma (my aunt, technically), John (my uncle). A worthy mention also goes out to El Sid and Cruz, who, while I may only know through Myspace and/or MSN, and are not "close friends" in the strict sense of the word, never fail to make me chuckle. These people I hold close to me. You guys fucking rule. Done with the sob fest, now.
Anyway, I feel that my current state of mind is having a somewhat negative effect on my physiology. First of all, I feel that I am becoming somewhat addicted to caffeine. Sounds strange, I know. I drink a good seven pints of tea a day now. Partly because I'm bored, partly because I constantly feel lethargic. While I'm no doctor, this may be associated with the tightness I sometimes find in my chest, and the shortness of breath I have. Maybe not, I'm not sure. The point is, I can't be bothered to detox and find out. I have adopted a laisse-faire/Que sera, sera approach to the life now, meaning I take what comes to me. This is mostly to combat the crushing sense of regularity that a routine brings to my life. I don't have any detrimental effects to my health, though. This means I'm alright for the time being.
During these past two weeks, I have been waking up around two PM and going to sleep at four AM (Film4's fault). This sudden change in sleeping times leaves me disoriented and tired. Lauriane asked me all of Tuesday morning what was wrong, even tried to cheer me up, bless her. But I don't know, I feel some form of depression may be on the horizon. I feel as if something is going to happen soon. We shall see.
If it was any other person, they would leave a terribly neurotic comment at the end of a blog such as this; something along the lines of "If you read this, you're a REAL friend!!?!!11!". I'm not going to do that. I'll simply say, "If you read this, the incessant ramblings of a soon-to-be 18 year old interests you. Get out and live a little, why the hell are you reading this?". I'll also congratulate you on your patience. It takes a lot to read all of this crap.
Anyway, now I'm going off to listen to the only band that can cheer me up: Jamiroquai. That's right, Canned Heat is the best upper song ever fucking written. Don't let anyone tell you different.
Peace out.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
yo duder!
Definately check out the movie Pump Up The Volume, 80s movie about a disgruntled college dude who decides to voice his opinions, much to the delight of other pissed off kids in the school. Definately a similarity there :)
Don't worry, I'm not saying you're like Christian Slater!
Next time someone questioner you on being gay, do what i did and just agree with them. They stop asking and suddenly the girls wanna spend more time with you :)
Insecurity is a bitch, i've always been terrible at approaching girls randomly unless I have a few drinks in me. To this day I've never been able to do the whole "meet someone at a bar" thing. I prefer to get to know people through messenger and stuff these days, partly because it eases the shyness, and partly due to insecurity about my looks. I know I have a good personality and I'd rather a girl got to know me through that. The only one tip i can give is this: stop caring. The less you give a shit about how a girl will react, the less shy and more yourself you can be.
Routine is a killer for sure. We're not machines, we don't run like clockwork. Our brains crave variety!
As you know I went through the same thing, hitting a big depression because my life had become unproductive, unenjoyable, and meaningless. If you can see the depression on the horizon then god dude, do something about it now! Don't let the depression hit, trust me! I handled my crisis by volunteering for a charity that put me in a position to use my skills to really help people on a regular basis, have you thought about looking for something similar where you are?
Caffeine is the same as most stimulants, it has a progressive effect of leaving you more and more tired in your default state, and you end up drinking more caffeine to get back to normality. If you want my advice, or even if you don't, here's what to do: cold turkey on caffeine completely for a week. It'll be hell at the start but you can fight that organically. Drink lots of water, with a squirt of fresh lemon juice if you can. At least two litres a day. Replace you usual breakfast with musli or porridge, the slow burning carbs in oats will give you a more sustained energy release. DON'T skip breakfast!
For main meals make sure you are getting lots of vegetables, and ensure you have one or two portions of oily fish a week. If you get tired or hungry between meals then eat fruit not sweets, particularly bananas are a good energy pick me up. Also a pack of nuts and refer can be great for nibbling on. Finally, fix your sleeping pattern. The body needs a bare minimum of six hours solid sleep, and at the same time each day. From what you've described i'd also look for possible indications of SAD brought on by the lack of sunlight.
Trust me, i've done lots of research on this stuff and actually know a lot about healthy eating. I just prefer to eat burgers myself :p
If you do feel yourself sliding into a depression please call me or write or something dude, don't go through it on your own!
~Shiv
Post a Comment