Whenever these pointless ads come on the telly, I usually find myself muttering "fuck off" to the TV and walking off in a huff. Just having seen a really, REALLY stupid advert for Persil washing tabs, I thought I'd give you a run down of the five dumbest commercials out there today. At least on British TV.
Update: blogger apparently doesn't like me embedding videos so I'll have to provide links only. Sorry.
No. 5: "The Cog" - Honda
http://youtube.com/watch?v=FGngcQb_0qg
I have an unusual gripe with car adverts, as they seem to advertise stuff that has absolutely nothing with the car in question. Sure, this ad is pretty clever, what with the Rube Goldberg machine and all that, but I've seen it done hundreds of times before on the internet, and never have I seen it used to advertise a fucking car. It obviously caters to the 15 - 25 male who thinks monster trucks are cool. Fuck that.
No. 4: "Full of Lovely Stuff" - Skoda
http://youtube.com/watch?v=NwBE1l6QexU
Yet another car advert. Every time I see this one I feel like calling the advertising standards agency for some strange reason. Wouldn't it be cool if they really did make a car out of cake; a car you could actually fuckin' eat! Fuck yeah! Except they're not making a car out of cake, are they? No, they're not.
No. 3: "Bom Chicka Wow Wa" - Lynx/Axe Deodorant
http://youtube.com/watch?v=md9zMmsqkg8
The commercial that spawned a whole new catchphrase that makes me want to punch people in the groin. First of all, the woman looks and sounds as if she's having a seizure. If a woman came up to me and started flailing about screaming "bom chicka wow wa" I wouldn't be flattered or impressed. I'd be scared and protective of my anal virginity.
<.< >.>
Secondly, Axe deoderant doesn't make women fall at your feet as every advert claims. I should know, I used to go through cans of the stuff. Now I use *!promo alert!* THE SOOTHING, PROTECTIVE MUSK OF RIGHT GUARD!
Fuck yeah!
No. 2 - "For the Journey" - Lloyds TSB
http://youtube.com/watch?v=fGKGWTaSHTQ
When I first saw this one, I thought it was an advert for a documentary on the appalling conditions of British Rail (anyone who's been on a British train will know what I'm talking about), but no, apparently it's an advert for a bank. Whodathunk it!
And finally, the one you've all been waiting for... The most pointless commercial of all time.... *drumroll*
No. 1: "I am" - Orange Telecommunications
http://youtube.com/watch?v=S38S32rlJwY
They say that if you don't get the point of an advert, then you're not part of the target audience. In my case, they're screwed. I find most adverts pointless, but this one takes the 'crap-tastic' cake. Let's see why... Let's take a look at the script. My reply is in red, as always.
"I am my mum..."
No you're not. First of all, you couldn't give birth to yourself, and you're not a woman.
"...and my sister..."
No, you're not. Again, you're not a woman.
"...I am my best friend Mike, who I've known since school..."
No you're not. You don't have any friends. Now stop playing with yourself and get a life.
"...I am Kate, who's still somewhere in Thailand..."
But how can you be here and in Thailand at the same time?
"...I'm all the girls I've ever kissed. And all the girls I will..."
So you've been kissing yourself all these years? How vain.
"...I am the teacher that failed me, and the one who spurred me on..."
Riiight.
"...I am my bosses, and every one of my friends..."
So you're self-employed and you don't have any friends. Fair enough.
"...I'm a bloke I meet travelling, who'll teach me the guitar..."
And then kill you in your sleep.
And it goes on. And on. And on. While it may seem like a poignant advert for an online dating service, lo and behold it's actually a commercial for fucking telecommunication. What. the. fuck?!
Commercials really bring me down sometimes, just in their sheer stupidity. They say that if you don't get it, you're not part of the target audience. So if you don't get adverts, then you should be proud, as you don't fall into the pit with the rest of the brain-dead morons.
Stay smart,
james
http://youtube.com/watch?v=FGngcQb_0qg
I have an unusual gripe with car adverts, as they seem to advertise stuff that has absolutely nothing with the car in question. Sure, this ad is pretty clever, what with the Rube Goldberg machine and all that, but I've seen it done hundreds of times before on the internet, and never have I seen it used to advertise a fucking car. It obviously caters to the 15 - 25 male who thinks monster trucks are cool. Fuck that.
No. 4: "Full of Lovely Stuff" - Skoda
http://youtube.com/watch?v=NwBE1l6QexU
Yet another car advert. Every time I see this one I feel like calling the advertising standards agency for some strange reason. Wouldn't it be cool if they really did make a car out of cake; a car you could actually fuckin' eat! Fuck yeah! Except they're not making a car out of cake, are they? No, they're not.
No. 3: "Bom Chicka Wow Wa" - Lynx/Axe Deodorant
http://youtube.com/watch?v=md9zMmsqkg8
The commercial that spawned a whole new catchphrase that makes me want to punch people in the groin. First of all, the woman looks and sounds as if she's having a seizure. If a woman came up to me and started flailing about screaming "bom chicka wow wa" I wouldn't be flattered or impressed. I'd be scared and protective of my anal virginity.
<.< >.>
Secondly, Axe deoderant doesn't make women fall at your feet as every advert claims. I should know, I used to go through cans of the stuff. Now I use *!promo alert!* THE SOOTHING, PROTECTIVE MUSK OF RIGHT GUARD!
Fuck yeah!
No. 2 - "For the Journey" - Lloyds TSB
http://youtube.com/watch?v=fGKGWTaSHTQ
When I first saw this one, I thought it was an advert for a documentary on the appalling conditions of British Rail (anyone who's been on a British train will know what I'm talking about), but no, apparently it's an advert for a bank. Whodathunk it!
And finally, the one you've all been waiting for... The most pointless commercial of all time.... *drumroll*
No. 1: "I am" - Orange Telecommunications
http://youtube.com/watch?v=S38S32rlJwY
They say that if you don't get the point of an advert, then you're not part of the target audience. In my case, they're screwed. I find most adverts pointless, but this one takes the 'crap-tastic' cake. Let's see why... Let's take a look at the script. My reply is in red, as always.
"I am my mum..."
No you're not. First of all, you couldn't give birth to yourself, and you're not a woman.
"...and my sister..."
No, you're not. Again, you're not a woman.
"...I am my best friend Mike, who I've known since school..."
No you're not. You don't have any friends. Now stop playing with yourself and get a life.
"...I am Kate, who's still somewhere in Thailand..."
But how can you be here and in Thailand at the same time?
"...I'm all the girls I've ever kissed. And all the girls I will..."
So you've been kissing yourself all these years? How vain.
"...I am the teacher that failed me, and the one who spurred me on..."
Riiight.
"...I am my bosses, and every one of my friends..."
So you're self-employed and you don't have any friends. Fair enough.
"...I'm a bloke I meet travelling, who'll teach me the guitar..."
And then kill you in your sleep.
And it goes on. And on. And on. While it may seem like a poignant advert for an online dating service, lo and behold it's actually a commercial for fucking telecommunication. What. the. fuck?!
Commercials really bring me down sometimes, just in their sheer stupidity. They say that if you don't get it, you're not part of the target audience. So if you don't get adverts, then you should be proud, as you don't fall into the pit with the rest of the brain-dead morons.
Stay smart,
james
