Anyway, these past few years have been real bitches, what with my dad's financial problems. Still, we sorta managed to sort them out by doing the King Arthur thing and running the hell away. Nevertheless, debt is a real problem that strikes thousands if not millions if not billions of people worldwide. I'm not sure how it works in the rest of the world, but in the UK and France, if you're in debt these guys will come over and make sure you pay up, regardless of whether they effectively leave you homeless. But we can still make light of the situation here, can't we? God knows humour is the only thing that stops me walking into their offices with a nailbomb.
Anyways, here's a pretty nifty little site, the Insolvency Helpline, which gives some pretty handy answers for dealing with debt and bailiffs. Now, while I'm going to rip the hell out of this little article, please remember that debt is a serious subject. Hell, I should know that much. So do check this site out if you have any problems or any questions.
My replies are in red, by the way.
A bailiff is someone authorised to collect a debt on behalf of a creditor. A creditor is someone you owe money to. There are different types of bailiffs - e.g. county court bailiffs, certificated bailiffs and private bailiffs who can be used to collect different types of debts. These include county court judgments, unpaid council tax, magistrates court fines, unpaid maintenance to the Child Support Agency and outstanding rent.
Different bailiffs have differing powers to collect debts. However, there are certain rules that apply to all bailiffs. Unless stated otherwise, the information in this leaflet applies to any bailiff.
A bailiff is a human parasite: someone who voluntarily makes others lives a misery. Other terms for 'bailiff' include 'bastard', 'tool', 'pig' and so on and so forth. They may appear to come in different categories, such as county curt bailiffs, certificated bailiffs and private bailiffs but they are all part of the Homo Bastardus species of ape. They come to your door for a variety of reasons, but mainly because they are bored and have sod all else to do.
Can anyone be a bailiff?
Yes, providing they have legal authority to carry out their actions. Some creditors prefer to use certificated bailiffs to collect their debts. ''Certificated'' means that the firm of bailiffs has provided references to the county court and the bailiffs they employ are considered to be 'fit and proper' persons. Bailiffs collecting rent arrears and road traffic penalties must be certificated. It is worth remembering that both men and women can be bailiffs!
Yes, providing they can pass a test certifying that they have both the social standing and mental capacity of soap-scum. Please refer to the question below for information as to becoming a bailiff. Some creditors prefer to use certificated bailiffs to collect their debts. "Certificated" doesn't really mean anything, except that the court considers them to be 'fit and proper' persons for the job, i.e. total shites. It is worth remembering that both men and women can be bailiffs as both are capable of acts of complete callousness towards their fellow man.
What 'legal authority' must a bailiff have?
A bailiff must be legally authorised to collect the debt on behalf of the creditor. The authority is normally known as a 'warrant', or 'warrant of execution' if the bailiff is recovering money owed under a county court judgment.
Bailiffs used by the magistrates court to collect unpaid council tax, outstanding fines, compensation or unpaid maintenance will be acting on either a 'distress warrant' or a 'liability order' issued by the magistrates court.
If you are in arrears, creditors will sometimes send representatives to your home to try and negotiate repayments with you. These people might be called 'counsellors', 'collectors' or 'advisers'. They do not have powers to enter your home and seize your goods.
A bailiff must be legally authorised to take your money. To do this, they must take special exams to test their callousness, which include questions such as "would you drown kittens and small children?" and "do you think Hitler was an alright bloke?".If you are in arrears, creditors will sometimes send representatives to your home to try and negotiate payments with you. These people might be called "counsellors", "collectors" or "advisers". These are people who wanted to be bailiffs, but weren't big enough bastards.
How do I know it is a bailiff at my door?
Bailiffs should provide identification or authorisation if you ask them to. Bailiffs collecting for rent must show their certificate from the county court if you ask them to. Bailiffs collecting unpaid council tax must show written authorisation from the local authority. See also 'Will I get advance notice of a bailiff visit?'
The smell should be enough to tell you whether or not it is a bailiff at your door. Also watch out for feelings of nausea or discomfort.
Can a bailiff call at night or on a weekend?
Only bailiffs collecting rent are obliged to call between sunrise and sunset, all other bailiffs can call at any time of day or night. However most bailiffs should call at a 'reasonable' time, either during normal office hours or between 8.00 a.m. or 8 p.m.
Most of them will, only to ask you what you're wearing or remind you that they're watching you from across the street with their high-power binoculars. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Can a bailiff force his/her way into my house?
Most bailiffs do not have the right to force their way into your home to seize your goods. The only exception is that bailiffs from the Collector of Taxes (Inland Revenue) can get a warrant to force entry, but this is very rare.
All other bailiffs have a right of peaceful entry only. This means that they cannot use force to enter your home, for example, by breaking a window or a door. However, they can enter your property through an open door or window (front and back) and can climb over fences and gates, but cannot break them down. See also ''If a bailiff does gain peaceful entry to my house, what will they do?''
You do not have to let a bailiff into your house. A bailiff cannot force their way past you if you answer the door. If all your doors and windows are securely closed they will not be able to gain peaceful entry to your house unless you let them in.
Bailiffs are well aware of their limited powers and may use a variety of different means to gain entry peaceably. They may attempt to walk in as soon as a door is opened. They may ask if they can use your telephone to check if an arrangement is satisfactory with their office. They may simply ask you if you would prefer to discuss matters inside. You do not have to go along with any of these methods.
Most bailiffs can't, but will do everything in their power to kick your door down while you're sleeping, drag you off and ruthlessly interrogate you for five days without giving you food or water.
As for the others, they have to enter peacefully. This may be difficult for most of them, as they're usually fat from eating too many chips and have to climb over fences etcetera.
You do not have to let a bailiff into your house. In fact, you can tell him to 'piss off, you no good fuck'. If you are thick enough to let them in, you're on your own.
They are aware of their impotence, and may employ a number of tactics to gain entry into your house, much like the robbers from Home Alone. These tactics include crawling under floorboards, blowing holes through your wall, or asking if they can come in to sniff your underwear. The best strategy to insure this does not happen is hiring a top-of-the-range military sentry gun.
Can I be arrested or imprisoned for not letting a bailiff into my house?
No. If a bailiff is accompanied by the police, they are only there to prevent a breach of the peace. You cannot be arrested for refusing to allow a bailiff into your home.
You cannot be imprisoned for not paying your debts. However, non-payment of council tax, child maintenance or magistrates court fines can lead to imprisonment if you 'wilfully refuse' to pay. This means that the magistrates must be satisfied that you have the money but choose not to pay. You should be required to attend a magistrates court means enquiry hearing before this is decided. This gives you the chance to explain why you have not paid.
No. In fact, you can tell them to fuck off back to whatever wretched hive of scum and villany they came from. If they say they come from Jabba the Hutt's palace, make sure you shoot first.
If a bailiff does gain peaceful entry to my house what will they do?
Once gaining entry to your home, a bailiff will usually try to find and seize any goods of value belonging to the person who owes the debt or who is named on the warrant.
Once in the house the bailiff has the right to go into all rooms and can break open any locked door or cupboard inside your house. If the bailiff gains peaceful entry s/he has the right to call again and enter even without your permission, i.e. s/he can break in and remove your goods.
Any attempt to remove a bailiff from your property once they have gained peaceful entry is assault and you could be taken to court for it.
Once in the house, a bailiff will attempt to seize your goods in order to sell them off at public auction to raise money to pay the debt that you owe. The bailiff will make clear an intention to seize various items, either verbally, or by attaching a mark to them, or by touching them. This is sometimes called levying distress or distraining upon goods.
Once the bailiff has seized goods, they have a number of options. They can either remove items they have seized immediately from the property to be stored and eventually sold at public auction. Alternatively, they can leave someone on the premises to guard the items that have been seized or, in the case of bailiffs collecting rent, secure items that have been seized in your home. These last two options are very rarely used.
The most likely outcome is that the bailiff will ask you to sign a 'walking possession agreement'.
Once gaining entry into your house, a bailiff will sieze anything in sight, similar to the final stage of once-popular gameshow 'The Crystal Maze'. They will usually accompany this act of skullbuggery with squeals of 'mine, all mine!' and feverishly masturbate in the corner with glee.
Once in the house, the bailiff has the right to go into any room and rub itself on any surface in the house. If it has gained entry peacefully, it can come back unannounced with friends and a six pack of beer to 'watch the game'. Beware.
Unfortunately, once they have gained entry into your house, you cannot tell them to 'hike it', as this constitutes an assault. Some bailiffs will even go so far as to break their own limbs to accentuate the fact you assaulted them.
The bailiff will make clear his or her intention to sieze goods, normally by leaving a trail of slimy residue on the items he or she touches. They will then sell these items to a lower form of parasite, homo frequentis auctioneris or ask you if you would like to sell your soul to the devil in exchange for your goods.
Can I hide goods?
It is not unlawful for you to remove goods from your house or hide them before a bailiff visits unless the bailiff is distraining for rent. Remember that a bailiff, having gained peaceful entry, can return at any time and if s/he believes that goods have been removed or hidden prior to their visit, this is likely to happen. For what to do if a bailiff visit is imminent - see below.
By all means, feel free. Then give them a treasure map and tell them to enjoy themselves, thus buying you time to run away to a country that has no extradition treaty with your country of residence.
What should I do if a bailiff is about to visit my home?
(This is a long ass answer so I'll just give mine)
Lock the doors, bar the windows, stock up on ammunition and prepare to fight to the death.
But seriously, for information on how to deal with bailiffs, check out the following sites.
Till next time,
James
