Ostracition is a terrible thing

I left Italy around 2003-2004. I thought I was leaving behind people who I considered to be good friends, we exchanged emails, said we'd keep in touch, you know, the same old shit.

That's where all veils of apparent amicality ended. I got the contact details of roughly a dozen people, so me being me, as soon as I got the Internet back on, I tried to get in contact with everyone to say hi. Two of the emails I had been given simply didn't exist. This sort of hurt me, as I was rather close to the people in question, you know? I thought they were good friends. The other emails, or the majority of them simply didn't bother to reply at all. Of the three that did, two were outcasts of the academic society, one of which has changed so much beyond recognition I don't know him anymore, the other doesn't reply much to emails. As of the other kid of the three, he replies to my mails, and seems to be interested in keeping in touch. But what of the others? Which brings me to the subject of today's blog.

See, I was one hell of an outcast back in Italy. Whereas the other kids in my year were the typical teenagers; they enjoyed hip-hop, football; they were athletic kids who did well in sports. I was into Heavy Metal, I detested football and I was rather chubby. Therefore, corresponding to the strict rules of academic society, I was an outcast. I don't know how many of you have read "Cell"; the new novel by Stephen King, but I can draw up a comparison to a scene in the book, where the heroes are deemed "untouchable" by the villains, so noone will associate with them; "Ecce Homo Insanus".
Of course, it's a bit of an exaggeration. I don't mean to imply that the other kids were "malicious" in any way, because they weren't. They were just kids. I mean, they were friendly to me, I never got any abuse hurled at me, like say a kid called Kaushik (the guy who I said changed beyong recognition). Even so, we never connected on a true "friendship" basis. These things can do horrible things to a child's mind. What does anyone in modern society want? To be accepted, of course. That was all I wanted, but instead I was shunned away like a sort of broken toy. And I think that this treatment has had adverse effects on my social integration. Nowadays, I still find it hard to fit in, I'm incredibly shy and I like being alone a lot.
Therefore, I take the "fuck it" approach to life. If people don't like me, they can go and fuck themselves. Strong, I know, but it's true. I don't care what people think of me any more, and I don't try to fit in; hence why I'm alone a lot of the time. Bizarely enough though, I now have more true friends than I ever have done. Among those people, Laura, Romain, Aslan: three kids who are incredibly different to me in ways of culture and tastes (they being French and me being English is the biggest gap) but we're very close friends.

Sure, being kept out of any social clique can really screw with your emotions, but it's an important lesson in life. In somewhat of a bizzarre twist, I am actually trying to get back in touch with some people I was at school with, via the social networking site Facebook. I'm not quite sure why, but I feel it may be worth it. A lot can happen over three years, maybe their attitude towards me has too.

~Peace and Donuts~

"Catalyst"

Your crimson catalyst stares at me through the netherworld
I paint this picture just for you
Cursing conundrums as I shoot my way across the void
I wish that what I say is true
She'd stare me down and then she'd proceed to suck me dry
I hope she does the same to you
My god abandoned me and I now i'm going solo
At least this much I say is true

But now I see our common goal
We've gotta strive for the truth
Now I know just what i'm gonna do
I've gotta crash before the dawn

My crimson king he pairs up best with your own bloody queen
She told me I shouldn't trust you
I stand back watching her and while she slips into the clutch
I hope she does the same to you

Heaven never was so far away
I'm down here in hell with you
She was immaculate in every way
But I gotta crash before the dawn
I gotta crash the dawn
We're gonna crash before the dawn

She stood right in front of me
And asked me if I was OK
I said "baby, i'm all good"
And so she tortured me
With all of her incessant ways
And I never felt so good before

Baby, come and take a ride with me
I'm gonna show you what it's worth
Baby, I'm gonna take you away
And we're gonna crash before the dawn
I'm gonna crash before the dawn
And we gotta crash before the dawn

"PissMartyr"

We stray to find
Our lives redefined
Why can't you see
This absolute representation of me

I find my desire
I fight instinct
Cuz i'm not what you think I am
I'm not what I planned to be
I'm not human...

I am, i'm a monster

We see ourselves
As great avatars of society
What am I?

Monster...
Father...
Lover...
Mother...;
I'm ME!

We try to redefine
Our bodies intertwined
I can see you
But you want to..
Degrade me

I fight my needs
I fight the urge to bleed
These colours
I fight my inner
Retreat inside this shell you came from

What am I?

Killer...
Helper...
Mother...
Father...
Lifeless
Souless...
Heartless
And it's just the way I wanna be

Why can't you
See into
This soul of mine
Why won't you
Accept me?
I'm christ...personified

Mother... i'm your father
Father i'm your killer
I'm CHRIST...
Christ!
Christ!
Personified....