Sunday 23 December 2007

Tuesday 18 December 2007

Questions and Answers

There's a camera on every street corner, observing each person and looking into their soul. The cameras know you better than you know yourself; they don't get distracted, tired, hungry or bored. They know that you live your life alone, they know that you're tired and desperate trying to make a living in a job you hate. The cameras have more power than all the governments combined; they are our God.
I could stand for hours on the street looking into that blank, glazed stare of the camera, waiting for it to blink. But it doesn't.
I know that I can see, hear and smell. I know that I can taste and touch, but am I aware of it? Do I actually exist? Is this proof of my existence? I can sense but I don't know how; each touch is, to me disembodied. It's like someone else is feeling for me. Half of the time I'm not even aware that I'm seeing something, it's just a random sequence of images appearing somewhere, somehow making me aware, making me able to recognize shapes, forms, faces. Do I know what it is that I'm seeing? Or am I just drifting? When I hear things do I actually know that I'm hearing them and interpreting those electrical signals into something that I can actually understand? Do I exist at all, or is this just part of some cosmic plan? And if I'm existing, do I even know if I'm existing? I think therefore I am. But how do I know what I'm thinking? How can I interpret those thoughts? How can I hear what I'm thinking yet not at the same time? Why us? There are thousands of species of animal on this planet but why are we the only ones who can make concrete monstrosities tower up from the ground? Is the human race existing or are we all just imagining it? Could it be that we're all just one single mass of thought expressing itself through different mediums, forever in conflict with itself, fighting to express itself in different forms? If I'm alone in a room, how can I be sure that the others are still there? Do they cease to exist? And if I exit a room do I cease to exist?
I speak to someone. They reply. Perhaps they perceive what I said differently, and give an entirely different reply. Maybe I interpret that reply in order to satisfy my curiosity. Maybe we're all talking random shit to each other, but all making up our own definitions of what we're saying. Maybe that's how communication works: we don't understand each other but we make ourselves believe that we do.
If I continue to exist (hypothetically speaking, we've still not figured out if we DO exist) will my past cease to exist? Will it never have happened? And is my future predefined? Can it be changed, or does I already know what choices I'm going to make, is my subconscious aware of how and when I'm going to make the choices that I make? Therefore does free will REALLY exist? Am I already aware of how my life will turn out? Maybe I just don't realize it yet.

Monday 10 December 2007

Confessions of a Deadbeat

"Why don't you get off your ass and get a job?!". Isn't that how it always goes in the movies, where the rebellious teen gets afoul of their parents for some reason or another? Yeah, they say "Why don't you get a job" and the teen stands up defiantly and shouts "Yeah, well maybe I will!" and slams the door. Then they get a job just to prove their parents wrong, and many humorous anecdotal things happen.
Well, wake up Hollywood. It ain't like that. I've had many a people tell me to get a job, seeing as I complain about the lack of cash from time to time. Sure! I'll get up, get a job, get a girlfriend! Fuck, it'll be easy! Then you actually get up off your ass and go to do it only to find out that you've not got the time and that cute girl you were eyeing already has a boyfriend. Welcome to my world.
I've thought about getting a job. No, really I have. Here in Béziers, the only work that you can really get if you're a teen is bar work or waiter work. Either way it amounts to pretty much the same thing; you work your ass off for a slave wage serving self-righteous Americans. The smug, self satisfied lot that you have to smile at, all the while imagining what it would be like embedding an empty coke bottle in their skull. Then comes the time issues; you work a full day at school with teachers busting your ass only to get home, change your clothes and work for another five hours. See, I weighed up all these pros and cons. I could be earning money, be proud to be making a living etcetera etcetera. Then again, I'd be tired, overworked and underappreciated as an employee (aren't we all?). No, thanks. I'd rather spend my evenings sitting in front of this machine watching High Fidelity. I admit it, I'm a deadbeat. Getting a job holds no interest to me whatsoever.
So now you're probably assuming I have a pretty active social life that takes up all of my free time? Well, you'd be wrong there, too. My social life is deader than Nelson. My days consist of school, then coming back here and pouring out all of my negative thoughts into this little box, for all of you to read and snigger. A guy I know keeps asking me if I want to hit the town with him and some friends, but I turn him down. He doesn't really know that I can't stand him. I'm just like that; it's not that I'm afraid of hurting his feelings or anything, it's just that I can't be bothered with the hassle that telling someone who previously considered themselves as your friend is actually a shallow asshole who should fuck off. I'm just like that. If anyone tells you that they're afraid of hurting someone's feelings, it's usually bullshit. They just can't be bothered with all of that emotional bombardement that follows the breaking up of whatever relationship... Sure, it's selfish, sure it's shallow. I admit it. In the long run, these sorts of relationships break up any way. I mean come on, how many of your school-mates do YOU still keep in touch with?
But where was I? Oh, yeah. People also seem to have this idea in their head that it's unnatural for a teen my age to be dating. I'd kindly ask those people not to lump me in with a stereotype. Sure, there are girls that I'm interested in, there always will be. It's the same with anyone my age. I just don't ask them out because I don't have the time for that right now. And I don't mean time in a metaphysical sense here, I mean more in an emotional sense of the word. When you're in a relationship, it takes up so much of your goddamned time and space, until you're effectively smothered by the primordial urges that wrack all of us. Or at least from my viewpoint. Cynical, isn't it?

Sure, people sometimes accuse me of being overly cynical. I suppose that I see the world in a different way to most people, I somewhat exaggerate the realism of life and the world in general. Jokingly, I'd say I hate everyone and everything in this world, but I don't mean it. I just have an open disdain for modern culture in every single way. I don't like what it's become, where someone is judged on the artificial qualities in themselves, and where they're willing to change at the drop of a hat just to please a social clique. Did you know that most teens these days talk to more people online than they do in real life? Fuck, I used to be addicted to that shit. Then I realized that I was turning myself into a nervous wreck. Suddenly this urge comes along to meet real people, not just some anonymous guy behind the screen. So then I started to make real friends.

Tuesday 4 December 2007

This is where my fingers die.

Here's what i'm trying to learn on bass. The Awakening Bass Solo

First of all, the original version



Now a faithful reproduction of it:



Wish me luck...