Piss! Piss in my ass!

It's no secret that I swear like a docker. But one of the best things I love about the English language is it's affinity for inventing some of the most outrageous insults out there. So here is my top-ten list of my favorite invented curses/insults out there.

10.Cockknocking Sodsplit
9.Fucking Minger (popularized by Jean-Marie)
8.Three Menzies Campbells short of a party cabinet
7.Crapslinging Nun-tickler
6.Spelunking crickerhead
5.Codfondler (popularized by my grandfather)
4.Bloody Goose-cacker
3.Fuck!
2.Balls!
1.Socialist worker


Believe it. Yar.

Terry Bozzio isn't gay.

You gotta admit, Punky Meadows does look like a woman.

In today's rapidly changing world
Rock groups appear every fifteen minutes,
Utilising some new promotional device.
Some of these devices have been known
To leave irreparable scars
On the minds of foolish young consumers.
One such case is seated before you:
Little skinny terry 'ted' bozzio,
That cute little drummer!
That's right!
Terry recently fell in love
With a publicity-photo of a boy named punky meadows...
(oh punky!)...
Lead guitar player from a group called angel.
In the photograph,
Punky was seen with a beautiful shiny hairdo
In a semi-profile which emphasized the pootched out succulence
Of his insolent pouting rictus,
The sight of which drove the helpless young drummer mad with desire!

I can't stand the way he pouts
'cause he might not be pouting for me!
Punky meadows, pouting for you?
Ha! you bet sailor!
You mean,
You mean he's not...he's not pouting...
He's not pouting for me?
His hair's so shiny and it's done real nice
'til I squirm with ecstasy

Punky, punky, give me your lips to die on!

Oh punky, isn't it romantic?

Punky, punky, give me your lips
To die on...i promise not to come in your mouth
Punky, punky, your album's the shits!
It's all wrong!

I ain't really queer
But if he ever got near
Steven tyler would pay to see!
Pay to see!

Punky's lips, punky's lips
His hair's so shiny,
I love his hips!
I love his teeth and his gums and such!
Punky
(what is it? you come home!)
You're an angel!
You're too much
(oh god!)

The boys of my thoughts in my lonely teenage room!

He's been havin' a rash
(no shit!)
That keeps the girls away
(it's true)
Skin doom
(skin doom)
Is what the doctors say
And that makes me wonder
I wonder what punky is rehearsing today
I'll just go over, and hear him play
His hair is so pretty...i'd like to bite his neck
I've heard a rumor he's more fluid than jeff beck
But I ain't queer
I ain't gay
(he's a little fond of chiffon in a wrist array-ee-ay-ee-ay)
A wrist array-ee-ay
(that's all that is, I swear!)

Punky's lips, punky's lips!
Oh! I love his hair while eatin' dunk-y chips
Yeah! I love his blink and his blank-blank-blank
Why, maybe he'd like to yank my crank?
Yank it punky!
Yank it faster!
Yank it harder!
Yank it all nite long!
Come on punky!
Get funky!

I ain't queer
No no no no!
I ain't gay
No no no no!
(he's a little fond of chiffon in a wrist array-ee-ay-ee-ay)
Wrist array-ee-ay
And then he told me now:
I ain't queer!
(hey!)
I ain't gay!
(hey! hey!)
(he's a little fond of chiffon in a wrist array-ee-ay-ee-ay)

I-i, lord,
I'm fo-o-o-ond of chiffo-on
In a wrist array-ee-ay
Oh oh oh oh!
I-i, I said I'm fo-o-ond of chiffo-on
In a wri-i-i-i-ist array
Come on punky!
Give me your lips!
Ride on my venus-trip!

My Brush with the 419 Scammers, part two

So, I was in the middle of telling you how I decided to fuck around a 419 scammer and basically waste as much of their time as possible. This is the end to the story, hope you all enjoy it.

Six days after recieving the final email of yesterday's post, I sent the following reply:

Sister in Christ,

I apologize for my late reply, I have been trying to finalize the deal on the house. Unfortunately the previous owner is being exceptionally stubborn, he himself being a member of another Church.
I expect the deal to be completed within the next two days, although there is a more pressing matter that I must discuss with you.

I have been speaking with my minister, the Most High Priest of Juan Kerr, Rupert Murdoch. He has informed me of a piece of scripture written by the Saint Juan Kerr himself, which states that Church members may not undergo transactions with members of other Churches. The only way that I would be able to undergo the transaction with you, would be if you converted to our Church. Being a God fearing servant of the Lord yourself, I am sure you can understand the need to adhere to one's own personal convictions. Please consider converting to our faith, I'm sure you will find it most satisfactory.
I will be more than happy to provide any information you may seek.

Blessed Be,
Jean Michel-Jarre

"Take this life out of me so that I may be clean again"
Morgantellers, XXI, 50

For those of you not in the know, Morganteller is the name of an abortion clinic. Lowbrow, I know.
A few days later, I got the following reply:

Dearest in christ Jean Michel

Greetings once again in the name of God, i also appologise for my late respond to your mail, please i realy want you to understand my present condition and also you have to believe your fellow christian believer of the same God, and know that this is directed by him,

Please dear i want you to be fast in any of your arrangement and send me your full informations and address for the affidafit to be ready before my surgery operation which is fast approaching according to my doctor,

Remains Bless

Susan Morgan

I sensed that the time to try and wrap this up was coming to an end. As I stated before, I'm inexperienced when it comes to scambaits, but my main objective here was to keep it as humorous as possible. While I wanted to waste this guy's time as much as possible, I didn't necessarily want to waste mine. I decided to kill off Jean Michel Jarre. His music was crap anyway.

Dear Mrs. Morgan,

I am a close friend of Mr. Jarre, speaking on his behalf.
I regret to inform you that yesterday Mr. Jarre was struck by a van while trying to cross the road in Chamonix. As a result, he is now in hospital fighting for his life due to severe internal and external injuries.
As such, I feel obliged to inform you that should the worst happen (God forbid), that I am to leave you or your relatives his newly acquired house in Chamonix, France. As he said: "It is what God would want".

Please pray for him,
Father Jason Lee,
Minister, Church of The Latter Day Saint Juan Kerr

About a day later, I recieved a reply:

Dearest One of God

How are you this time, my dearest one i was shucked this mornig when i hear of your incidence, how is it, please never you loose faith, cope up trust and submit every things in Gods hand to heal you and give you consolation and open your heart and let him in because is him that directs ones step,
Remember to look upon him in times of danger, Which i am also doing im my own condition,
i appologise for my late reply it is because of my health which is disturbing me much and my surgery operation is fast approching which i will want the fund to be transfered to you before then,
Please on your better day but be fast and send me your requested information for the affidavit on oath for your prove as the right new beneficiary of the fund,remember after the affidavit is ready i will be sending it to you together with the contact of the bank where the fund is deposited for the immidiate transfer,

I Will Also Pray For You

Sister Susan Morgan

I consulted various people as to what to do next, when I hit a critical flaw in my plan: I hadn't baited safely. I'd used my personal email for a scambait. D'oh! It was time to kill him off.
I sent the following email from a fake address.

Dear Mrs. Morgan,

I apologize for contacting you on this email address. We have had a minor correspondence concerning our Brother in Christ, Jean-Michel Jarre who is currently fighting for his life in hospital after suffering a major injury after being hit by a truck.
His current condition is critical, the doctors say that the next 24 hours will decide whether he lives or dies.
As I stated in my original correspondence to you, Brother Jarre has stated that he would like his recently acquired house in Chamonix to be given to you or your relatives in any way you see fit, due to his feeling of obligation to help a fellow Christian in the hard times that you face.
I will update you on his situation within the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours, and depending on what happens, we can further negotiate a settlement.

I pray for your strength and hope that he, the most holy Juan Kerr help you through these troubled times.

Yours sincerely,
Father Jason Lee
Minister of Juan Kerr

I received a nice prompt reply the next day:

Dearest One of God,

What a strange mith?, accident, please how is him right now i hope he is fine, please dear help me to encourage and console him in a good manner, tell him to remember that God is still existing that God cares for his people in times of dungeon never to loose hope because God has the final say.

Upon his assurances to me to handle this fund as my late husband wishes while My spirit directed me to him, now what should i do now because i will want the fund to be transfered to his account before my going to my surgery operation that is coming up next week,

Extend my greetings to him.

Remains Bless

Sister Susan Morgan

To which I replied:

Dear Mrs. Morgan,

It is with great sadness that I must inform you that as of 8.37AM French Time, our Brother-In-God Jean-Michel Jarre passed away due to severe complications brought on by his extensive injuries. He passed away peacefully, leaving a house and a great deal of money.
Before passing away, he repented before our lord God and the holy saint Juan Kerr, giving some light into the mysterious death of his late wife Peggy Bundy several weeks before his abrupt move to France.
Due to the fact that he perceives his life to have been sinful, I have received a copy of his last will and testament, an article of which could be of significant interest to you:

Article 7.
Upon my death, I wish to commit the ultimate act of Christian repentance by donating all of my money and personal properties to major charity organizations around the world, so that I may help those who are in need. Any money I own should be given to a charity of the executor's choice, as long as it is disposed of in said methods.

I therefore believe that it would be in your best interest to donate the sum of money you intended to give to Mr. Jarre to one or multiple charity organizations, so that you may do the charitable thing and help other God-fearing Christians.
We here at the Church of The Latter Day Saint Juan Kerr are all deeply saddened by the loss of Mr. Jarre, especially considering his generous donations to our cause in converting those who have lost their way.

On behalf of everbody here at the Church, I wish you good health. May you live long and prosper!

Yours sincerely,
Father Jason Lee,
Minister of Juan Kerr

The scammer in question was now probably thinking 'shit' to themselves. Nevertheless, they tried to squeeze their way around the situation.

Dearest one

Heavenly Greeting to you and all the members of your churches, dearest i truely regrets the great lost of Jean-Michel Jarre may his soul rest in peace, i also thanks all the good hands that contributed in taking cares of him through his hospitalize, despite all his promises in helping me fulfiling my husband promises over all the children of God,

Dearest one i am realy confused that i dont no what to do again, But you in a church organisation i want you to cary on this charity donation for all the membrs of your churches on behalf of my lovely late Jean-Michel Jarre, because i can see that you are sounding like a good sameritan, if so bring me your full in formation for an affidavit on aoth on your behalf in the federal ministry of justice so that no one will have acces to this fund accept you even if i am no more.

Remains Bless

Sister Susan Morgan

I decided it was time to end it once and for all and sent the final email:

Dear Mrs. Morgan,

I'm afraid that at this current moment in time, our Church is unable to recieve any donations, as several high-ranking members, including the Saint Juan Kerr himself, are being investigated for fraud by international law enforcement agencies. While the charges are ultimately false (for I have faith), we cannot accept money at this point in time.
However, I do know of a close friend who is part of another church, who may be interested in your most generous donation. His email is fatherbub@yahoo.com, I hope you are able to contact him.

I'm afraid that this may very well be our last correspondence, Mrs. Morgan, as the most-high Saint Juan Kerr has ordered all church members to dispose of their computers, as an act of defiance against the satanic forces that conspire against us.

On behalf of us all here at the church, we wish you good health and a speedy recovery.

Be blessed,
Father Jason Lee,
Minister of Juan Kerr



So there you have it; how I beat the 419 scammers. Enjoy.

The Five Biggest Douchebags of the Week

Now that Charlton Heston's dead, I suppose we can take his gun away from him, huh? Yes, that's a rehashed joke.
Anyways, the Jesus phreaks have really gotten on my nerves this week, so let's count down the list of the five biggest douchebags of the week!

5. Barack Obama

While we all supposedly should love or hate Barack Obama for a plethora of different reasons, it's considered a sin to be indifferent about any of the Presidential candidates, even if you don't live in the USA. I was indifferent about the whole do until I saw this clip of Obama on the Ellen Degenerate-Viewing show:





Now I want Obama's blood. Not because he's black, not because he's a democrat, but simply because he willingly made an ass of himself on national television. I bet President Ahmadinnerjacket took a look at that video and wet himself with laughter. Congrats, Barack. You've just taken all credibility away from yourself.


4. Lars Ulrich


Metallica drummer Ulrich is well known for vehemently opposing peer-to-peer filesharing applications such as Napster. Or at least he was. Encouraged by Radiohead's release In Rainbows, which was released as a free download by the band themselves, Lars has proclaimed that Metallica may copy this idea sometime in the future. While some believe this is purely for "the fans", I myself think he's simply doing it to take Metallica out of the shadow. Hey, Lars! ST. Anger fucking sucked.

Lars Ulrich ready to devour your Reece's Feces

3. Patrick Swayze

Just hurry up and die. Dirty Dancing was not a film. No, but I don't want Swayze to die. He was alright in Donnie Darko. I just wish people would shut the fuck up about him.
Before Dirty Dancing, Swayze also starred in his feature debut: "The Wacky Molestation Adventure"


2.Robert Mugabe

Still refusing to release the results of the elections, Mugabe seems happier to sit back and watch his country fall apart. I smell a coup d'etat on the way.

Mugabe threatens to anally molest his opponents with his magic fist of DOOM

1.Osama Bin Laden (he's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!)

Asides from currently holding the record for the longest game of hide and seek, Osama Bin Laden has blown up a few buildings (anyone remember that?). Strangely enough, he also condemns any and all music. If that doesn't make him the biggest douchebag of the year, I don't know what does. Apparently he was invited to the Grammys in the early eighties, but turned it down as he and his pack of wolverines were fighting the evil Ruskies in Afghanistan, a country named after a shaggy dog (not played by Tim Allen).

Invisible butt secks!