Hi,
The blog has been moved to http://forwardtodeath.wordpress.com Please proceed there instead, it's much better than blogger.
Cheers,
James
Saturday 19 July 2008
Changing my blog adress...
Heya folks in Internet land.
I'll soon be moving mah blog over to a spanking new wordpress site. Stay tuned for more details and linkies.
I'll soon be moving mah blog over to a spanking new wordpress site. Stay tuned for more details and linkies.
Hate mail only comes in August...
...or in this case, July.
Anyways, hate mail always makes me chuckle, especially when it's spewed forth from the uptight mind of a christian reverend. Yay. I recently received this gem from the Rev. Don Spitz-and-Swallows:
Now that we've got that little misunderstanding sorted out (and now that I finally stopped giggling), we can put it all behind us.
Go with God!
James
Anyways, hate mail always makes me chuckle, especially when it's spewed forth from the uptight mind of a christian reverend. Yay. I recently received this gem from the Rev. Don Spitz-and-Swallows:
Most, if not all problems on the planet earth are from people like you, people who reject Jesus Christ. Our prisons are filled with people, like you, who reject Jesus Christ. Most, if not all; rapes, murders, robberies and thefts are committed by people, like you, who reject Jesus Christ. AIDS is mainly spread by people who reject Jesus Christ and have sex outside of marriage. Children AIDS get it from people who reject Jesus Christ.Wee! How's that for christian understanding and humbleness. Well, first of all, Don, and I never got to tell you this; FUCK YOU. Secondly, if you were actually a christian, you'd forgive me. And thirdly, God's the only one who has the right to judge, so why don't you drink a nice tall glass of Shut-The-Fuck-Up. Seriously, you can buy it at Wal-Mart.
I hope you will turn from your sins and receive Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior and escape the fires of eternal hell. Turning from your sins and giving your life to Jesus Christ is the only way you can escape the fires of hell and receive everlasting life. If you persist in your sins and continue to turn your back on Jesus Christ, you will be lost forever.
SAY THIS PRAYER: Dear Jesus, I am a sinner and am headed to eternal hell because of my sins. I believe you died on the cross to take away my sins and to take me to heaven. Jesus, I ask you now to come into my heart and take away my sins and give me eternal life.
Now that we've got that little misunderstanding sorted out (and now that I finally stopped giggling), we can put it all behind us.
Go with God!
James
The Light Side: Call Centre Hell
Ah, call centers... The enigma of the Human trappings. The different colours indicate different characters. Shouldn't be too hard to work out.
*ring...ring...ring*
Welcome to the Packard-Bell automated helpline!
*muttering* Shitshitshitshitshit...
In order to direct you to a help desk near you, please compose the five letters of your postcode.
Erm... Lessee... Three...Four... -
I'm sorry, I did not register a response. In order to direct you to a...
SHIT! You bastard thing!
...compose the five letters of your postcode.
Three...Four...Five...Zero...Zero...
Thank you. One moment please.
*Muzak version of "Singing in the Rain" pipes through the receiver.*
*humming along with the tune*
If you are currently experiencing problems with your computer or printer, please press 1.
If you would like to learn about our exciting new offers, press 2.
If you are inquiring about employment opportunities...
Erm... 1. There we go.
One moment please, while we connect you to a local operator who will assist you.
*music pipes back in*
*muttering* Finally!
*In thick foreign accent* Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Yes, Hello -
Hello?
Can you hear me?
Please speak up, sir.
Can you hear me?!
Yes, sir. No need to shout. What appears to be then nature of your problem?
It's my computer. It-
Hello? Sir?
Yes, hello! My computer has stopped working.
Oh. Well, have you tried turning it on and off again?
Well, you see that's the problem, it won't turn on.
Is it plugged into the wall?
Erm... Yes.
I'll have to transfer you to our technical department, please stand by.
You mean this isn't the technical department?
*Muzak pipes back in*
Hello? Hello?! Shit!
Hello, this is Dave speaking. How may I help you?
Well, you see...
Hello? Sir?
Hello?
Yes, what is it?
My computer isn't working.
Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Well, I can't. It won't turn on.
Please ensure that the computer is plugged...
I have, for crying out loud! The bastard thing doesn't work!
Well, sir, there's no need for that abusive tone!
Listen, is there anyone you can send down?
It depends. Are you experiencing a D-10 error or a 1D-10T error?
Erm... I don't...
*sigh* alright, do you have the manual?
Erm, yeah, give me a second... Here it is.
Alright, now turn to page 10 and look up D-10 and 1D-10T.
Erm... Alright... D-1o: computer has not been turned on... and 1D-10T: computer has not been plugged in. No, it's neither of those, I already told you that.
Hello? Sir?
Yes, I'm here. It's neither of those errors.
Then I'm afraid I can't help you. Let me transfer you...
No, alright? I don't want to be sodding transferred, just get someone down here who can fix the fucking thing!
Sir, I don't have to submit myself to this kind of abuse, if you swear again I'll have to cut you off.
For fuck sake!-
Goodbye, sir. *click*
BASTARD! SODSPLIT! CU- oh, wait. It did need plugging in after all. Heh.
Have a fun weekend,
James
James
Friday 18 July 2008
Five J-rock albums you should listen to before you die
The J-rock music scene has really exploded since the turn of the millenium, with Japanese rock bands becoming more widespread and well known in the Western world. In this article, I'm going to celebrate the depth and richness of J-rock culture by recommending five ground-breaking albums to get you started off with.
No. 5: "Skull Alcoholic - The Complete Solar Anus" - Solar Anus
Solar Anus are a superbly versatile band that were overshadowed by the better-known J-rock bands such as Boris and Melt Banana, as well as the Visual Kei movement that dominated the 1990's. Playing music very similar to the El Sexorcisto era White Zombie, Skull Alcoholic showcases the Anus' work in it's heavy stoner glory. A heavy, sludgy-ass album which is a must-have for fans of the stoner genre.
No. 4: "Urusa in Japan" - Afrirampo
Over the past few years, Afrirampo have gained a lot more recognition from their various stints with Japanese rock legends such as Acid Mothers Temple and the one and only Yoko Ono. In an album that can only be described as 'chaotic', Afrirampo tear music a new asshole, throwing forth music that takes it's inspirations from the free noise movement the Boredoms were so fond of. Highly energetic and not for the faint hearted.
No.3: "Have you seen the other side of the sky?" & "Mantra of Love" - Acid Mothers Temple and the Melting Paraiso UFO
While the name is a mouthful, the Acid Mothers Temple are one of if perhaps not the most prolific bands in the world today. Although they have only been active since the early 2000's, they have released dozens of albums. To pick these two albums in particular seems a tad unfair, but these are the two which had the profoundest effect on me. The track "La Le Lo" on Mantra of Love can only be described as 'epic', one of the most impressive improvisational jams I have heard in my time. These are perhaps the most accessible of the AMT's albums, and a good starting block for new listeners.
No. 2: "Rakushu" - Kagerou
Kagerou were originally a Visual Kei band, and still incorporated various bits of the VK scene into their do. Rakushu is itself a heavy-ass album which has a more conventional sound than the other albums featured in this list. Should please fans of heavy nu-metal.
No. 1: "Akuma No Uta" - Boris
Oh, God... Where to start? Boris are by far one of the most versatile mainstream bands out there and have enjoyed a prolific stint so far, recording with such legends as Michio Kurihara of Ghost and Damon & Naomi of Galaxie 500 fame. Akuma No Uta should also go on record as having one of the coolest guitars I have ever seen (pictured above). When you start the album, your ears surrender themselves to one of the best contemporary albums I've ever had the fortune of hearing. Listen to it before you die or I may just have to kill you.
Stay tuned, kids, because coming soon is an introduction to the zany world of enemas!
Till next time,
Japanophile James.
Solar Anus are a superbly versatile band that were overshadowed by the better-known J-rock bands such as Boris and Melt Banana, as well as the Visual Kei movement that dominated the 1990's. Playing music very similar to the El Sexorcisto era White Zombie, Skull Alcoholic showcases the Anus' work in it's heavy stoner glory. A heavy, sludgy-ass album which is a must-have for fans of the stoner genre.No. 4: "Urusa in Japan" - Afrirampo
Over the past few years, Afrirampo have gained a lot more recognition from their various stints with Japanese rock legends such as Acid Mothers Temple and the one and only Yoko Ono. In an album that can only be described as 'chaotic', Afrirampo tear music a new asshole, throwing forth music that takes it's inspirations from the free noise movement the Boredoms were so fond of. Highly energetic and not for the faint hearted.No.3: "Have you seen the other side of the sky?" & "Mantra of Love" - Acid Mothers Temple and the Melting Paraiso UFO
While the name is a mouthful, the Acid Mothers Temple are one of if perhaps not the most prolific bands in the world today. Although they have only been active since the early 2000's, they have released dozens of albums. To pick these two albums in particular seems a tad unfair, but these are the two which had the profoundest effect on me. The track "La Le Lo" on Mantra of Love can only be described as 'epic', one of the most impressive improvisational jams I have heard in my time. These are perhaps the most accessible of the AMT's albums, and a good starting block for new listeners.
No. 2: "Rakushu" - Kagerou
Kagerou were originally a Visual Kei band, and still incorporated various bits of the VK scene into their do. Rakushu is itself a heavy-ass album which has a more conventional sound than the other albums featured in this list. Should please fans of heavy nu-metal.
No. 1: "Akuma No Uta" - Boris
Oh, God... Where to start? Boris are by far one of the most versatile mainstream bands out there and have enjoyed a prolific stint so far, recording with such legends as Michio Kurihara of Ghost and Damon & Naomi of Galaxie 500 fame. Akuma No Uta should also go on record as having one of the coolest guitars I have ever seen (pictured above). When you start the album, your ears surrender themselves to one of the best contemporary albums I've ever had the fortune of hearing. Listen to it before you die or I may just have to kill you.
Stay tuned, kids, because coming soon is an introduction to the zany world of enemas!
Till next time,
Japanophile James.
Thursday 17 July 2008
Adverts suck.
Yes they do, I've never understood the point behind the different commercials we see on the TV these days. It's like they deliberately go out of their way to be painfully ambiguous, so you can't figure out what they're trying to sell you until they tell you themselves.
Whenever these pointless ads come on the telly, I usually find myself muttering "fuck off" to the TV and walking off in a huff. Just having seen a really, REALLY stupid advert for Persil washing tabs, I thought I'd give you a run down of the five dumbest commercials out there today. At least on British TV.
Update: blogger apparently doesn't like me embedding videos so I'll have to provide links only. Sorry.
Whenever these pointless ads come on the telly, I usually find myself muttering "fuck off" to the TV and walking off in a huff. Just having seen a really, REALLY stupid advert for Persil washing tabs, I thought I'd give you a run down of the five dumbest commercials out there today. At least on British TV.
Update: blogger apparently doesn't like me embedding videos so I'll have to provide links only. Sorry.
No. 5: "The Cog" - Honda
http://youtube.com/watch?v=FGngcQb_0qg
I have an unusual gripe with car adverts, as they seem to advertise stuff that has absolutely nothing with the car in question. Sure, this ad is pretty clever, what with the Rube Goldberg machine and all that, but I've seen it done hundreds of times before on the internet, and never have I seen it used to advertise a fucking car. It obviously caters to the 15 - 25 male who thinks monster trucks are cool. Fuck that.
No. 4: "Full of Lovely Stuff" - Skoda
http://youtube.com/watch?v=NwBE1l6QexU
Yet another car advert. Every time I see this one I feel like calling the advertising standards agency for some strange reason. Wouldn't it be cool if they really did make a car out of cake; a car you could actually fuckin' eat! Fuck yeah! Except they're not making a car out of cake, are they? No, they're not.
No. 3: "Bom Chicka Wow Wa" - Lynx/Axe Deodorant
http://youtube.com/watch?v=md9zMmsqkg8
The commercial that spawned a whole new catchphrase that makes me want to punch people in the groin. First of all, the woman looks and sounds as if she's having a seizure. If a woman came up to me and started flailing about screaming "bom chicka wow wa" I wouldn't be flattered or impressed. I'd be scared and protective of my anal virginity.
<.< >.>
Secondly, Axe deoderant doesn't make women fall at your feet as every advert claims. I should know, I used to go through cans of the stuff. Now I use *!promo alert!* THE SOOTHING, PROTECTIVE MUSK OF RIGHT GUARD!
Fuck yeah!
No. 2 - "For the Journey" - Lloyds TSB
http://youtube.com/watch?v=fGKGWTaSHTQ
When I first saw this one, I thought it was an advert for a documentary on the appalling conditions of British Rail (anyone who's been on a British train will know what I'm talking about), but no, apparently it's an advert for a bank. Whodathunk it!
And finally, the one you've all been waiting for... The most pointless commercial of all time.... *drumroll*
No. 1: "I am" - Orange Telecommunications
http://youtube.com/watch?v=S38S32rlJwY
They say that if you don't get the point of an advert, then you're not part of the target audience. In my case, they're screwed. I find most adverts pointless, but this one takes the 'crap-tastic' cake. Let's see why... Let's take a look at the script. My reply is in red, as always.
"I am my mum..."
No you're not. First of all, you couldn't give birth to yourself, and you're not a woman.
"...and my sister..."
No, you're not. Again, you're not a woman.
"...I am my best friend Mike, who I've known since school..."
No you're not. You don't have any friends. Now stop playing with yourself and get a life.
"...I am Kate, who's still somewhere in Thailand..."
But how can you be here and in Thailand at the same time?
"...I'm all the girls I've ever kissed. And all the girls I will..."
So you've been kissing yourself all these years? How vain.
"...I am the teacher that failed me, and the one who spurred me on..."
Riiight.
"...I am my bosses, and every one of my friends..."
So you're self-employed and you don't have any friends. Fair enough.
"...I'm a bloke I meet travelling, who'll teach me the guitar..."
And then kill you in your sleep.
And it goes on. And on. And on. While it may seem like a poignant advert for an online dating service, lo and behold it's actually a commercial for fucking telecommunication. What. the. fuck?!
Commercials really bring me down sometimes, just in their sheer stupidity. They say that if you don't get it, you're not part of the target audience. So if you don't get adverts, then you should be proud, as you don't fall into the pit with the rest of the brain-dead morons.
Stay smart,
james
http://youtube.com/watch?v=FGngcQb_0qg
I have an unusual gripe with car adverts, as they seem to advertise stuff that has absolutely nothing with the car in question. Sure, this ad is pretty clever, what with the Rube Goldberg machine and all that, but I've seen it done hundreds of times before on the internet, and never have I seen it used to advertise a fucking car. It obviously caters to the 15 - 25 male who thinks monster trucks are cool. Fuck that.
No. 4: "Full of Lovely Stuff" - Skoda
http://youtube.com/watch?v=NwBE1l6QexU
Yet another car advert. Every time I see this one I feel like calling the advertising standards agency for some strange reason. Wouldn't it be cool if they really did make a car out of cake; a car you could actually fuckin' eat! Fuck yeah! Except they're not making a car out of cake, are they? No, they're not.
No. 3: "Bom Chicka Wow Wa" - Lynx/Axe Deodorant
http://youtube.com/watch?v=md9zMmsqkg8
The commercial that spawned a whole new catchphrase that makes me want to punch people in the groin. First of all, the woman looks and sounds as if she's having a seizure. If a woman came up to me and started flailing about screaming "bom chicka wow wa" I wouldn't be flattered or impressed. I'd be scared and protective of my anal virginity.
<.< >.>
Secondly, Axe deoderant doesn't make women fall at your feet as every advert claims. I should know, I used to go through cans of the stuff. Now I use *!promo alert!* THE SOOTHING, PROTECTIVE MUSK OF RIGHT GUARD!
Fuck yeah!
No. 2 - "For the Journey" - Lloyds TSB
http://youtube.com/watch?v=fGKGWTaSHTQ
When I first saw this one, I thought it was an advert for a documentary on the appalling conditions of British Rail (anyone who's been on a British train will know what I'm talking about), but no, apparently it's an advert for a bank. Whodathunk it!
And finally, the one you've all been waiting for... The most pointless commercial of all time.... *drumroll*
No. 1: "I am" - Orange Telecommunications
http://youtube.com/watch?v=S38S32rlJwY
They say that if you don't get the point of an advert, then you're not part of the target audience. In my case, they're screwed. I find most adverts pointless, but this one takes the 'crap-tastic' cake. Let's see why... Let's take a look at the script. My reply is in red, as always.
"I am my mum..."
No you're not. First of all, you couldn't give birth to yourself, and you're not a woman.
"...and my sister..."
No, you're not. Again, you're not a woman.
"...I am my best friend Mike, who I've known since school..."
No you're not. You don't have any friends. Now stop playing with yourself and get a life.
"...I am Kate, who's still somewhere in Thailand..."
But how can you be here and in Thailand at the same time?
"...I'm all the girls I've ever kissed. And all the girls I will..."
So you've been kissing yourself all these years? How vain.
"...I am the teacher that failed me, and the one who spurred me on..."
Riiight.
"...I am my bosses, and every one of my friends..."
So you're self-employed and you don't have any friends. Fair enough.
"...I'm a bloke I meet travelling, who'll teach me the guitar..."
And then kill you in your sleep.
And it goes on. And on. And on. While it may seem like a poignant advert for an online dating service, lo and behold it's actually a commercial for fucking telecommunication. What. the. fuck?!
Commercials really bring me down sometimes, just in their sheer stupidity. They say that if you don't get it, you're not part of the target audience. So if you don't get adverts, then you should be proud, as you don't fall into the pit with the rest of the brain-dead morons.
Stay smart,
james
Wednesday 16 July 2008
Currently trying my hand at comic book scripting..
Just a little experiment to see if it'd be any good. If there are any artists out there who'd fancy giving a first issue a whirl, lemme know.
The basic plotline thusfar concerns a young man living in a crappy, isolated town. He's got nothing going for him, and is looking for a bit of excitement. One day, he witnesses a couple of mobsters whacking someone, and flees the scene. They try to track him down, and he flees the town. Along the way he meets people until he finally comes to a conclusion, which is yet undetermined.
Interested? Know anyone who might be interested in collaborating? Lemme know. Send an email to rhyknow@gmail.com
Thanks
The basic plotline thusfar concerns a young man living in a crappy, isolated town. He's got nothing going for him, and is looking for a bit of excitement. One day, he witnesses a couple of mobsters whacking someone, and flees the scene. They try to track him down, and he flees the town. Along the way he meets people until he finally comes to a conclusion, which is yet undetermined.
Interested? Know anyone who might be interested in collaborating? Lemme know. Send an email to rhyknow@gmail.com
Thanks
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